Space Pirates of the Helix Nebula

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Space Pirates of the Helix Nebula is an episode of Transformers: Renegade Rhetoric described on the Renegade Rhetoric Facebook page.


Source Text

The following was posted on Facebook on February 4, 2016 [1]

Dear Cy-Kill, Arrrrrrrr.

Cy-Kill: Is there a question in there somewhere? Perhaps you've failed to comprehend the point of this forum.

Having said that, I am reminded of the Space Pirates of the Helix Nebula. I was raiding convoys full of material earmarked for the rebuilding of Gobotron. Cop-Tur, Crasher, and I had just been driven off of one of the convoys, thanks to Leader-1 and the Robo Rebels, when we found our Thruster under attack despite the protection of our Stealth Device. Naturally, this caused much consternation, especially for Cop-Tur. I, however, know an opportunity when I see one. When the attacking vessel, which had a large Jolly Roger painted on the side, released a boarding tube and sent a party aboard, I was waiting for them with a smile.

The lead pirate, a four-armed blue alien with bright green hair, an eye-patch, and a hook on his top left hand, addressed me with a scowl. "Arrr, ye seem to not understand how this be workin'. We is to be commandeering this here yon vessel."

I just strode forward, put my arm around him, and started giving him a tour of the ship. "You've got it all wrong, my fellow scourge of the spaceways. I am Lord Cy-Kill, stalker of stars, privateer of pulsars, marauder of moons. We should be working in tandem, not bickering like school children." He seemed skeptical, but I quickly hit upon what made "Greenbeard" tick... the promise of wealth, and lots of it.

Soon, with Renegade "advisers" on each of his ships, naturally wearing full pirate regalia, he was raiding the Guardian work fleet and becoming absurdly wealthy... all the while putting a major squeeze on Guardian reconstruction efforts. The Guardian Council was not pleased, and demanded immediate action. This prompted Leader-1, Turbo, Scooter, and Dive-Dive to seek out Greenbeard's headquarters. Their plan was simple; hide aboard a Guardian supply convoy, wait for the inevitable attack, drive off the ship and follow it home.

The ship they found was advised by Tank, not exactly the sharpest knife in my arsenal. He and the Space Pirates with him were unprepared for four Guardians, and quickly suffered damage. He advised a return to base for repair, never knowing that Scooter's holograms had faked the Guardians flying off with the convoy.

Once they were inside Greenbeard's asteroid hideout, a magnificent piece of rock carved to look like a human skull, they attempted to make their way to Greenbeard's opulent trophy room, to convince him to stop attacking the Guardian convoys. They bumped into a Renegade patrol, though, and in the ensuing melee got split up.

Leader-1 and Dive-Dive managed to stumble to their objective, the magnificently appointed trophy room of Greenbeard himself. He and I had been awaiting this moment. I moved to blast Leader-1 before he could open his fool mouth, but Greenbeard stayed my hand. "Arrrrrr, I would be to hearin' what yon there Guardian has to say."

Silently, I cursed, but outwardly I allowed my ally to slake his curiosity. Leader-1 did not disappoint, saying that Gobotron was peaceful and wanted to find a way to stop the raids on their material convoys. Greenbeard claimed right of conquest, and Leader-1 pointed out that, with enough Guardian escorts, attacking the ships would become unprofitable even for a man of Greenbeard's resources.

The pirate began stroking his beard, and I sensed that I was losing him. Having the Guardians waste half their force on convoy duty while my Renegades were free to strike them anywhere in the galaxy was exactly my plan, and I had no intention of allowing Leader-1 to thwart it by finding an accommodation with Greenbeard. Thinking quickly, I signaled to Crasher to act. She, rather theatrically, pointed to Leader-1 and proclaimed "he has a knife!" Then she tackled him and pulled out a hidden blade from her own chest compartment.

Greenbeard was appalled, naturally, and I whispered venom in his ear about Guardian assassins. He ordered Leader-1 and Dive-Dive taken to his flag ship and keel hauled.

Turbo and Scooter, meanwhile, found themselves at the pirate fleet's navigation computer. Turbo urged Scooter to upload a computer virus that would make the fleet unable to find Guardian energy signatures, though Scooter felt that this was wrong. "Besides," he noted, surprised, "someone's already beat us to the punch!" Sure enough, he had discovered my little insurance package, a protocol that would send any of Greenbeard's ships into the heart of the nearest sun. "Well," observed Turbo, "this changes everything!"

On board The Flying Dragon, Greenbeard and I watched as energy chains were affixed to Dive-Dive and Leader-1. The ship's engines were hot, which would expose them to enough radiation to fry every circuit in their bodies, permanently. Greenbeard asked if they had any last requests; I was impatient, and demanded that he just get on with it.

"Actually," the irksome Dive-Dive piped up, "I do have just one request. As one sailor to another, could describe to me of the greatest ocean you've ever seen? So I have a memory to cherish in my last moments?" The accursed Guardian had really gotten Greenbeard's number... he launched into a long tirade about "the way the twin suns glitter off the mercury seas of Marasma" or some such blather.

Dive-Dive's gambit gave Scooter and Turbo enough time to get to The Flying Dragon, where they had the audacity to accuse me--ME!--of plotting against my ally. I denied it, of course... until Scooter manifested a hologram of me on one of Greenbeard's unmanned Schooners, saying "Ouroboros contingency." The ship immediately broke loose from its mooring and plunged towards the local star.

Greenbeard was, of course, livid, and turned on Crasher, Cop-Tur, and I in a heartbeat. I activated the Ouroboros contingency on The Flying Dragon, then gloated as it made its own way to the local sun, carrying the Guardians and Greenbeard with it. "So long, fools! Enjoy your rather short cruise. I recommend sunscreen... at least SPF one million! Mwah ha ha ha!"

Scooter panicked, but Dive-Dive kept his head. The ship might be programmed to fly into the nearest sun, but couldn't they trick the ship into thinking that the base WAS the sun? Greenbeard applauded his quick thinking, and Scooter projected his hologram through the ship's communication antenna to make the pirate asteroid look like a sun. The ship docked, safe and sound.

Greenbeard was chagrined at having been duped. He promised that, once his fleet's computers were purged of Renegade code, his pirates would only prey on villains and knaves from now on. "So Cy-Kill and his ilk better beware, cuz Greenbeard's gunnin' for their black hearts!"

Christopher Colgin Quite the adventure! How did you think your crew looked dressed in pirate attire?

Cy-Kill: Some better than others. Cop-Tur was a rather handsome mech, if I do say so myself.

Christopher Colgin: Oh, I quite agree. And is there something more you can tell us about that peculiar parrot perched atop his shoulder?

Cy-Kill: It's a cybernetic parrot, one that would squawk and repeat much of what Cop-Tur said. I believe that, after a fit of unparalleled creativity and originality, he called it "Polly." What more is there to tell?

Christopher Colgin Oh, I see. It's just...I feel like we've heard about a cybernetic parrot before.\

Cy-Kill: Ah, I see! Yes, come to think of it, the polymorphed Last Engineer does bear a rather striking resemblance to Polly.

Vector Prime: Most likely lazy animators.

Cy-Kill: No one asked you!

Vector Prime: Or perhaps you are thinking of Shipwreck's companion animal, Polly, who does indeed acquire cybernetics in some universes.

Cy-Kill: If I wasn't so busy conquering the universe I would ban you.