Cy-Kill's Ninjas

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Cy-Kill's Ninjas is an episode of Transformers: Renegade Rhetoric described on the Renegade Rhetoric Facebook page.


Source Text

The following was posted on Facebook on January 26, 2016 [1]

Dear Cy-Kill, Do humans have anything valuable to teach you?

Cy-Kill: If one has the patience necessary to wade through the drivel, indeed they do. I dispatched Stallion and Stinger to raid a human museum, to bring back a meteor fragment necessary for my latest invention, a reciprocating positronic jammer. They were intercepted by the Robo Rebels, and ran off in a panic. On the way out, Stinger was knocked down and pulled an ancient Japanese tapestry off the wall to gain leverage to stand, a tapestry that got caught in his car door when he converted.

They reported their failure to me, and of course I was incensed. I cursed how ineffective my Renegades were against even the simplest Guardian opposition. Crasher mocked Stinger for the tapestry hanging out of him, and I snatched it away, causing it to rip... and revealed a secret scroll, hidden inside it. My eyes went wide as I scanned up an down the Japanese characters. It described a secret sect of ninjas, with techniques "to fell the tallest titans."

I gathered up a half dozen of my warriors with the greatest need of honing their skills and traveled to Mount Hotaka. With the scroll as my guide, I located the remote Ashi Dojo and walked in as if I owned the place. I was immediately beset by a dozen ninjas, and brushed them aside with a sweep of my hand. One ninja, however, remained in the cross-legged seiza position, an ancient human with a long, flowing beard. While the gi worn by his students were plain, and black, his was saffron, and adorned with delicate calligraphy. This was the master I sought. "Stand up, human," I demanded, "I would have words with you."

Incredibly, he remained seated. "It is proper for supplicants to kneel before a prospective master," he said, at a level not much more than a whisper.

I had little patience, and poked his chest with my finger. "Now, look here--"

Incredibly, he cut me off by grabbing my finger and hurtling me across the room, though I was three times his height.

"You'll pay for that," I muttered, and blasted at his astonishingly still-seated body. Somehow, I missed, making a hole in the paper wall behind him. I looked left and right, but he had eluded me. Then he hit me with a flying kick to the back and I sprawled onto the wooden floor.

"The Ashi Dojo is a place of learning, and respect for the past. You dishonor my ancestors with your presence, metal man. Go!"

I was weighing my options when a small boy poked his head through the hole I had made in the wall. "Father," he plaintively asked? Here was the opportunity I had been waiting for. I snatched up the child, and then called out to the sensei. "Forget your ancestors and respect for the past, human, I've got your descendant right here, and if you want him to have a future, you'll agree to my terms." The dejected master bowed before me, and implored me to spare his son. I told him I'd be happy to... once he trained my men.

Over the next few days, Stinger, Stallion, Spoons, Decker Decker, Fly Trap, and Water Walk learned everything there is about how to be ninjas. I kept little Taro on my Thruster, to ensure the Sensei's cooperation. Finally, we were ready. I sent Spoons and Water Walk back to the museum, to get the meteorite. This time, they effortlessly slipped past the Robo Rebels, and they retrieved the fragment with no difficulty. I was more than pleased.

I needed one more component to complete my invention, and so dispatched Decker Decker and Fly Trap to Leader-1's Command Center, to bring back an experimental microchip Scooter had been playing with. Sadly, I had underestimated the Guardians, who had responded to the museum theft by upgrading their passive sensors. Turbo, Scooter, and Leader-1 confronted my two Renegades just as the picked up the microchip. Leader-1 advised them to surrender. "You know you two Renegade rejects can't beat be."

They proved him otherwise. With their new-found martial arts skills, they were able to toss Leader-1 and Turbo about effortlessly, even as the Guardians expressed disbelief at being trounced by the Renegade second-stringers. Fly Trap and Decker Decker gloated about their ninjitsu training, and how the Guardians would never be able to stand up to them again.

I now had everything I needed to build my reciprocating positronic jammer, a device which could erase any computer system ever built. Unfortunately, the taunting of the Guardians resulted in them tracking down the dojo, a fact I didn't learn until it was too late.

I landed my Thruster in Silicon Valley, with my new jammer ready to wipe humanities computer networks. Leader-1 greeted me, which surprised me after the drumming he had been given. I snapped my fingers, and my six Ninja warriors leaped in front of me, striking intimidating poses. Amazingly, Leader-1 defeated them effortlessly. "Impossible," I proclaimed, "the Sensei taught them everything they know!"

The Sensei slipped out from behind a tree. "Ah, but not everything *I* know!" Leader-1 chimed in, "some GoBots know how to ask for help with reverence, and respect."

I was livid. "Big mistake, Sensei, big mistake. I still have your son hostage!"

Fate, it would seem, is not without its sense of irony. At that very moment, Scooter came rolling out of my Thruster, Taro riding him, with Cop-Tur ineffectually chasing after him shouting, "hey, come back here."

The day wasn't lost yet. I still had six ninja-trained Renegades, and the positronic jammer. I pointed it at the sweep of Silicon Valley, but then Leader-1 was grappling with me for it. I called for my ninja to assist me. "Don't just stand there, you dunderheads, help me!" The six of them dogpiled Leader-1, but he had wrest the jammer from my grasp. The next thing I knew, there was a bright flash of light, and the six Renegades staggered away, dazed. Leader-1, too, seemed a bit out of it, and was holding the bent and ruined remains of my reciprocating jammer.

"What are you waiting for? Get him, you dolts!" The six of them fanned out to surround him, and Decker Decker attempted a flying kick... only to wind up flat on his back. Fly Trap then tried to grab Leader-1's arm for a throw, and stumbled over his own feet. The jammer had erased their ninja training! Leader-1 blasted each of them in turn, smirking. "Fortunately, I don't need special training to take out the Renegade's back bench."

My device was destroyed, my hostage liberated, and my army of ninjas neutered. I sounded the retreat, and withdrew to safer pastures. Leader-1 bowed to the Sensei and thanked him for his help. The Sensei shared some ancient Japanese wisdom, saying "after rains fall, the Earth is harder than before." The Guardians bowed, closing this annoying chapter in the war.